Premarital
couples
How
to maintain
healthy, intimate relationships? For couples
that just start a partnership trip on the roads of life.
By Natalia Tkachenko
There are 12 ways
to maintain healthy, intimate relationships:
-
Work at it. One needs
to work constantly to apply managing abilities to get through periods
that
require extra work. Think “team”. Try to make the
decision that will have the least negative impact on your marriage
and your
family.
-
Be
protective. Separate
your marriage and your family from the rest of the world. Accept
that
good enough is as perfect as it gets. Sacrifices and compromises
have to be
made. Share your thoughts and feelings. Create communication-generating
rituals. No matter how busy you may be, make time for each other.
-
Manage anger better. Try to break the cycle in which
hostile, cynical attitudes,
unpleasant emotions, leading to aggressive behaviors that create
more tension. Recognize that anger signals frustration of some
underlying need, and try
to figure out what that need might be. Don’t confuse assertion
with aggression. Watch your non-verbal signals, such as the tone
of your voice,
your hand and arm gestures, facial expressions and body movements.
Deal with one issue at a time. If different topics surface during
your
conflict,
flag them to address later. Try to notice subtle signs that anger
or irritation is building. If you are harboring these feelings,
express them before they
build too much and lead to an angry outburst. Don’t blame
your partner or turn a fairly manageable problem into a catastrophe.
Emphasize
where
you agree. Declare your devotion again and again. True long-range
intimacy requires repeated affirmations of commitment to your partner.
And don’t
forget that love is not only in what you say but also in how you
act. Committed couples protect the boundaries around their relationship.
They make decisions
while keeping in mind the impact that those choices will have on
their
partnership. They also resolve to keep up with and encourage each
other’s
growth.
-
Give each other permission to change. It is fascinating
to note how much more couples know about each other early in
their relationship
than they do once they have been together for years. If you
aren’t
learning something new about each other every week or two, you
simply aren’t
observing closely enough. Bored couples fail to update how they
view each other. Worse yet, struggling couples act as though a
partner’s
changing is a betrayal. That resentment arises because one partner’s
development always requires the other to change too, and this
can lead to anxiety.
Instead, accept that the stress of growing is an inevitable
part of being married, and be careful not to sabotage each
other.
-
Remember
to remain
constantly abreast of each other’s dreams, fears, goals
disappointments, hopes, regrets, wishes and fantasies. People
continue to trust
the people who know them best and who accept them without
passing judgment.
Have fun
together. Human beings fall in love with the ones who make
them laugh. They stay in love with those who make them feel
safe enough
to come
out to play.
-
Keep delight as a priority. Put your creative energy
into making
yourselves joyful and producing a relationship that regularly feels
like recess.
-
Make yourself trustworthy. People come to trust the
ones who validate
them. They learn to distrust those who act as if a relationship
were a continual competition. Realize your partner’s
perceptions will always contain at least a few truths, and
validate those truths
before
adding
your perspectives to the discussion.
-
Forgive and forget. Don’t
be too hard on each other. If your passion and love are to survive,
you must
learn how to forgive. You and your partner regularly need to wipe
the slate clean so that anger doesn’t build. Holding
on to hurts and hostility is a way of blocking real intimacy.
-
Do what
you can to
heal the wounds
in a relationship, even if you did not cause them. Be compassionate
about the fact that neither of you intended to hurt the other as
you set out
on this journey. Cherish and applaud. The most fundamental ingredient
in the intimacy formula is cherishing each other.
-
You need to celebrate
each
other’s presence. If you don’t give your partner
admiration, applause, appreciation, acknowledgement, the benefit
of the doubt,
encouragement and the message that you are happy to be there
with them now, where will
they receive those gifts?
-
Be gracious. One of the most painful
mistakes couple make is the failure to notice their own partner’s
heroics. These small acts endure hundreds routine labors.
So make a concerted
effort to notice daily acts of heroism by your loved ones.
-
Finally,
try to keep
in mind that there really are no perfect relationships. Do what
you can to help each other manage the daily juggling act you both
perform.
It is important to
understand, that relationship goes together with the conflicts, where
the conflicts
are natural product of building relationships. Basic principles
in relationship enhancement are appropriate self-disclosure, reflecting
feelings, creative
problem solving,
negotiation and compromise, self-monitoring and setting personal
goals, supporting the other’s person goals.
Some risk factors
for the marital problems
are those:
-
having personality tendency to react strongly
or defensively to problems and disappointments in life;
-
having
divorced parents;
-
living together prior to marriage;
-
being previously divorced;
-
having children
from a previous marriage;
-
having different religious
background;
-
marrying at very young age;
-
knowing each other
for a short period of time before
marriage;
-
experiencing financial hardship.
Other dynamic risk factors are:
-
the negative
styles of talking
and fighting with each other;
-
difficulties
communicating well especially in disagreements;
-
trouble
handling as a
team;
-
unrealistic beliefs
about marriage;
-
different attitudes
about important things;
-
a low level of
commitment to one another,
-
reflecting in such behavior as failing
to protect your
relationship from others;
-
not practicing faith together.
The
way to enhance the relationships serves the “Speaker-
Listener technique”. This Speaker- Listener technique
(SLT) can be used to communicate when having
disagreement or a conflict about money, chores, child raring,
in-laws, or talking about something sensitive that is difficult
to talk about: feeling
lonely in relationship, about sex and sensuality. The mechanism
of SLT, which is alternative way of communication, is the following:
when issues
are sensitive the speaker has the floor, both shares the floor,
no problem solving.
And here are the rules for the speaker:
-
speak for yourself, don’t
go on and on,
-
stop and get the listener paraphrase,
-
and don’t
rebut focus of speaker’s message.
Rules for the listener
are:
-
paraphrase what you hear,
-
don’t rebut, focus on
speaker’s
message.
It is important to separate issues
from events and identify the hidden issues underneath the event.
Four key ways to do that are:
-
the wheel spinning,
-
trivial
triggers,
-
avoidance,
-
and
scorekeeping.
Talking about the new perspectives on
problems and problem solving Stanley Markman's state: “Many
partners believe there us something wrong with their
marriage if they
have problems that are not readily solvable.” “…most
couples try to solve problems prematurely – before
they have thoroughly discussed the issue at hand
and understood – not
necessary agreed with – each other’s
perspective. Understanding one another is more important
for maintaining
respect and connection than is solving
every problem that life throws your way”.
Three key assumptions along the way are those:
-
all
couples have problems;
-
couples who are most effective
at problem solving
work
together as
a team;
-
most couples rush to find quick solutions,
-
in their haste they do not take
into account the real concerns of each partner and
thus fail to produce lasting solutions.
The Steps to handle problems
well:
-
willing
to work
together and experiment with change,
-
be creative
and flexible,
-
lying the foundation for a solution to come,
-
70% of issues
need not so
much to be
solved as “aired
out”.
Problem solution, agenda
setting, brainstorming and agreement and compromise,
plus follow-ups are the other steps of handling the problems well.
Full discussion
clarifies the
issues, removes
conflict, and increases
feeling of teamwork. XYZ statements (behavior,
context and how one feel
in that)
can be extremely handy too in such talks. All
about that the newly wedding couples should be aware first hand. So,
this
way the key
is how they
handle the problems better is trying to talk
about them. Under negative there
may be hidden some positive, thus the problems
and disagreements offer opportunities to enhance couples sense of identity
as
a team, founded
on honor, respect and acceptance.
Ground rules
while in conflict:
-
When conflict is escalating,
call a time out
or a pause.
-
When having troubles
communicating, engage SLT, separate problem discussion
from problem solving.
-
Bring
up the issues at any other time.
-
Make time for great things, like
fun, friendship and sensuality.
All relationships
need ground rules; they
are not one size-fits – all.
Among talks couples need to navigate casual,
conflict, or friendship one’s
and avoid destructive talks.
Friendship.
Discussing how to preserving and
protect friendship, which is “feeling
of deep intimacy and connection with the others” our
authors found out that people feel the greatest intimacy when
they are able to share
the hopes and dreams as well as fears and burdens, also able
to self disclose to another, who is responsive to them.
Barriers
to friendship are:
-
“there
is no time,
-
we are not friends,
-
we are married;
-
we don’t
talk like friends anymore,
-
walls, moats and towers: the ravages
of conflict;
-
we are
victims of reckless words.”
“Protecting
friendship in marriage means to make the time,
protect marriage from conflicts
and issues, remember how to talk like friends,
because friendship is a core of healthy
marriage,
and it
need to be nurtured all the time, in sharing intimate talks”.
Playing together.
Vital for enhancement of relationship is playing together,
extending barriers to fun and their limitations, such as:
Working at play means to make a time,
to protect fun from conflict, brainstorm
about fun activities, and borrow activities
from other couples. “Couples can choose to protect their
relationships by setting aside time to enjoy each other, renew
their sense of closeness
and togetherness, have fun, coming naturally to everyone in
childhood, it need to be practiced as a skill in the context
of busy, conflict –laden
lifestyle”.
Sex life.
Fundamental is to work with senses and sensuality:
enhancing and protecting the couple’s sex life. Authors
advice us that sex without sensuality leads to no other way
of intimate connections then sex, and it put roadblocks
and pressure on the sexual relationships itself, create the
problem with performance anxiety, such as tension from conflict
in a marriage, detachment,
sexual boredom, premature ejaculation, problems, keeping erection
of difficulties lubrication for women, lost interest in arousal.
“Make
it happen”-
-
make the time for intimacy,
-
protect it from conflicts,
-
pay attention to sensuality,
-
communicate your desire,
-
break out of ruts,
-
and
be creative.
Religion.
The core believes and spiritual intimacy means
that the couples who are religious tend to be belonging to
denominations, going
to services;
reading
certain writings, praying and they have lower level of divorce
and higher level of commitment. Religious couples are more
likely to
report being
satisfied sacrificing for one another and having a stronger
sense of couple’s
identity. Shared vision is a mutual understanding of the meaning
of life, mutual core values and relationship expectations,
commitment, respect,
intimacy and forgiveness.
“Why you can’t always get what you
want?”
Discussing
such sensitive issue, like “why
you can’t always get what you want” one
can learn that according to Markman perception + expectation
met = happiness and perception
+ expectation not met = disappointment /resentment.
Three major areas, where people have expectations
about the way things “should
be” are
how power will be distributed, how caring will
be demonstrated and the level of commitment
in relationships, or the boundaries,
investment
and
control + power.
“Any relationships need a daily dose of forgiveness”.
What
is it forgiveness? It is a choice
to “release
your partner from owing you a debt, or work
to restore your relationship”.
It is also the resentment against the desire
to punish, and picture of forgiveness is like a cancelled
debt. Forgiveness is also
a decision to
give up your perceived or actual right to get
even with or hold in debt, someone who has wronged
you. Roles of responsibility
and trust in forgiveness: “Although
it may not be required for forgiveness, a great
way to start you desire to take responsibility is to
make amends for hurting you
mate.” “Trust
builds slowly over time. Trust has change to
be rebuilt when each partner takes appropriate responsibility.” “The
commitment of personal dedication refers to the desire
to maintain or improve
the quality of the
relationship for the initial benefit of both
partners”.
Personal dedication.
On the path to commitment “personal dedication – desire
to maintain or improve the quality of relationship
for the mutual benefits
of both partners” (improve, sacrifice,
and invest) and “constrained
commitment - dedication is low, constrains
can keep people in relationships they might
otherwise want to leave” can
be made.
The things couple can do to
redevelop dedication are:
-
sit down together and talk about
the stage of your marriage,
-
remember
what you used
ton have together;
-
decide to turn things around,
-
do the things you did
at first,
-
stay at it.
Commitment.
“Commitment is a complex concept, involving
both external constrains that hold relationships together and
personal
dedication, which helps keep alive the desire to stay in relationship.”
“Choices about how you think about your partner,
how you behave together and how high a priority you give the relationship
are critical
factors in commitment.” “You need to
believe in future of yours relationship in order
to keep it growing and strong”.
There are dramatic findings that two-thirds of unhappy
marriages
had become happy five years later. The researchers found
that many currently
happily
married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness,
often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity,
verbal
abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.
Married people
are looking for alternative ways to improve their own happiness
and build a good and happy life that what the marriage should
be about.
About the author: Natalia
Tkachenko, Masters in Science in Counseling Psychology, Master in
Arts in Journalism
was born in
Moldova, part of the former Soviet
Union, now lives in USA. Through the personal experience on
the example of three countries, where she lived and developed, author
witnessed
and observed the transformations
of the world and societies. Educated in Russia, she had her successful
journalistic career in Moldova, now in America Natalia is telling to
us in her stories and
books, what values her generation had, and how they were transformed
through the life span. Natalia's first book of psychological novels was
published in Moldova in 2000. Her second book Married
to American: Russian wife stories was
published in USA in 2003 both in English and Russian languages.
Her recent book Adaptation
in immigration: Slav in America (For
reading in Russian)
which reviews wider the adaptation issues, appeared in 2006.
In her set of short stories author reviews the new life in different
environment,
the ways to cope the stresses of the first years on the new
continent and leads the readers all the way through the adjustment process
and
steps to make it successful from the point of view of her personal
perception and experiences.
e-Books
on seek and marry Russian women:
10
things to think when thinking about a Russian wife Real
live stories of real people who had real experience in a
Russian-Western marriage.
The
Shocking Truth About Russian Women All
Russian women are different but still they have much in common.
What is this? Read this book and you will find out.
12
Simple Rules This simple rules has the power
to change your relationship with your foreign bride – forever.
And it’s so simple you’ll be astounded.
How
To Find And Marry A Girl Like Me This is not just
another book about dating Russian women! This is the book
that will change the way you look at Internet dating.
Sex
And Love With Russian Women Attention men
who are in long distance relationships with Russian women!
Learn how you can dramatically improve your success with
Russian women.
Anti-Scam
Guide Complete No-Nonsense guide for men seeking
a Russian wife.Knowledge is power. And this Guide will empower
you to make an informed decision that you would otherwise
struggle to make.
|
More
books about Russian American marriage:
How
To Survive In International Marriage - Oksana
Leslie's book is a very thorough journey through the
challenges of being a Russian wife of an American husband.
The book not only looks at the many tedious steps involved
in becoming an international wife, but the author takes
you inside the emotional ups and downs of the process.
Welcome
to America: The Complete Guide for Immigrants This
volume tells your Russian wife everything she needs to
know about living in the U.S.
Wedded
Strangers : The Challenges of Russian-American Marriages The
Cold War may have officially ended, but, as Visson
shows, the battle lives on in the culturally dysfunctional
marriages made by Russians and Americans. Throughout
the 20th century, and often against serious odds, Russians
and Americans have been falling in love and marrying.
Russian
Women & Marriage : Love Letters from Russia... Autobiography
about an average American man's adventure to marry
a Russian woman. The book provides a romantic understanding
of why thousands of American men have gone through
the painstaking process of bringing Russian women
to America for marriage.
|
References:
-
Feldhahn, S.& J. For men only. (2006). A straightforward
guide to the inner lives of women. Oregon: Multnomah Publishers.
-
Felhahn,
S, Rice, L. (2006). For young women only. Oregon: Multnomah Publishers.
-
Hendrix, H. (1990) Getting the love you want: A guide for couples.
NY: Harper Collins.
-
Gottman Institute (2006). “The Seven Principles
for Making Marriage Work”, video.
-
Heitler, S., (1987). Conflict
resolution: A framework for integration. Journal of Integrative and
Eclectic Psychotherapy,
6, 3, 334-350 New
York: Brunner/Mazel.
-
Long, L., Young, M. (2007). Counseling
and therapy for couples. Thomson Brook/Cole, CA.
-
Markman, H., Stanley,
S., Blumberg, S. (2001) Fighting for your marriage. Positive steps
for preventing divorce
and
preserving a lasting love.
San Francisco, Jossey-Bass.
-
Patterson, E., Williams,
L., Graud-Grounds. C., Chamov, L. (1998) Essential Skills in Family
Therapy. The Guilford
press,
New York, London. Retrieved
from Internet www.smartmarriages.com, April 22, 2007.
|
